Ask Others, Trust Yourself by Elisa Balabram

How is your spiritual practice? How long have you been in it? Is there room to simplify it? Or does it need to be more complex instead?

I’m always seeking to learn and evolve, although sometimes it feels like I’m learning more of the same thing. I used to resist when someone was sharing something I had heard a million times, now I simply say thank you. Because we can forget, and we do need to be reminded of the magic we are capable of creating.

I find that even when we learn a tool, it doesn't mean that we have to follow it to the letter, though. I’ve been learning and doing my best to practice simplicity, not worrying too much about the “right” way of doing something, and simply allowing it to unfold, and trusting myself to know what to do.

The other day I had the opportunity to share this concept with one of my clients. She was asking about a meditation I had taught her. She wanted to know the exact steps I had shared, and confirm if she was doing it the “right” way. I told her to simply follow her intuition, and allow the meditation to flow as it will, for her highest good. I’m a strong believer that you can trust your own intuition when in meditation, although I don’t deny that at times, there is power into following a guided meditation. When I follow guided meditations, sometimes I need to pause the recording to have enough time to go on a deeper journey than the one the guided meditation may be leading me into.

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During one of my meditations a week ago, I was thinking about the fact that I had been stuck with one of my projects once again, and was trying to find answers. The project is the short story I wrote a while back, and I have been adding to it and editing for several months now, as I intend to publish it this year. During the meditation I sought answers of why this was happening. I asked why I was procrastinating and not working on it, while time was passing and I wasn’t making anything happen.

I didn´t receive clarity on the reason, but got something much better. The message I received was to start making different choices. Instead of dwelling in the past, and regretting the wasted time, I could make a different choice in this moment and in every moment that  I feel like what I intend isn´t happening.

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After having a day of unfortunate events, I hoped for some good news, or at least to get home and have a book I had ordered by my door. I had checked the tracking number and knew that it was going to be delivered that day, but I couldn’t stay home to wait for it. Late in the evening, when I got home and checked my mailbox, I saw the box with the book stuck in it, in a diagonal position. I had a split second of happiness and excitement for the book’s arrival, and relief for not having to go to the Post Office the next day; only to realize that the box was stuck. I removed the rest of the mail that was easy to reach. Then, I tried to remove the box by folding the edges on both ends, and nothing. I took off my coat, so that my arm would fit inside the mailbox and reach the end of the package, and I started pushing it. It didn’t work either. I kept trying to use strength for a while, without success. I tried to use the string that helps open boxes, but it was facing down, and I couldn’t move it too far. The thought of going upstairs to pick up scissors crossed my mind, but I didn’t really feel like it.

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Early in February, I wrote in my journal “The words unsaid”. I had attended an all-day women’s workshop and was touched by the bravery of those willing to go on the “hot seat”. It turns out that we had more things in common than we could think or imagine. When we share, and don’t keep words unsaid, we learn that we are not alone, and we serve as an example and support for others. Your sharing may give someone else the permission they need to speak up, and to ask for support.

In my journey as a teacher and coach, I pay attention to what’s being said and what’s not. Usually, in the classroom, if someone shares something about themselves, and they start telling their story with this is weird, but… or a version of it, I usually ask the whole class if they had gone through something similar, and I’m yet to encounter a time that no hands go up.

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I wrote Ask Others, Trust Yourself a few years ago out of my desire to help clients who had been stuck for many years, or who were afraid of pursuing their business for whatever reason, or who specifically became stuck due to negative feedback, or who thought they had to do it all and never asked for help.

The points I made were to ask for help (and I showed how); and to then go back within and check in with oneself, trust one’s intuition, and then make a conscious decision of the steps to take. Only to recently realize that I had to learn this same lesson again myself.

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Elisa Balabram and Gavião

I had no real experience going horseback riding. I remember that 21 years ago I had the opportunity to do so for the first time in a small field, just going once around that field, with someone else walking next to us. I don't think this qualifies as horseback riding, though.

Twenty one years later, my youngest sister and I went to a farm hotel and had the opportunity to horseback ride a few times. The first time I could sense the horse wasn't very comfortable as he only wanted to walk on grass. I told the team and they decided to let him rest, until they could fix his horseshoe. The second horse didn't want to leave the stable at all, but once we did, he was great. The third one walked slowly as we moved away from the stable and pretty fast when we turned around to go back.

Lessons learned:

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When I first started coaching entrepreneurs nine years ago, I was nervous. I asked a friend and colleague what to do if I didn’t know an answer to my first client’s questions. She wisely recommended that I could say I didn’t know, but would research it. What a relief! I didn’t have to know all the answers. Almost ten years later, it’s rarely the case that I don’t have an answer, but I realized that it’s not important to have answers at all. The key is to help others figure out the answers on their own, and to ask great questions.

One time a client shared with me this unhealthy habit she had and that she wanted to commit to stopping it. After a while she turned to me and asked, Elisa, why do you think I do this? I went over it in my head, thinking of something smart to say, asking myself, why does she do this?, please say something smart, come up with a good answer, I told myself. All I could come up with was I have no idea! Instead of saying that out loud, I thought of a question, and I asked her: When did you first start this habit, do you remember it? I thought that her answer would help us come up with a reason together. She paused, thought about it, and she smiled and said I got it, I know why I do this, I can let it go now, thank you. She never told me when or why and it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she got the answer she needed from within, and I was simply the catalyst to help her find her answers. When I followed up with her, she confirmed that she no longer had that habit.

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After I published the article “Get over it already, or maybe not”, I felt sick to my stomach. The thoughts that came to mind included, how can you share this with the world wide web?, what will people think of you?, did you just admit you failed?, what did you just do? Those are just some of the thoughts that came up for me, combined with the body sensations of sickness.

Luckily, I had to attend a lunch meeting, and couldn’t keep dwelling on those thoughts. When I got home, a few hours later, I was encouraged by all the responses the article had gotten. They included supportive comments, acknowledgment of the process I described, and gratitude by those experiencing a similar situation.  It was wonderful to read the posts offering additional information to help those going through their own healing process.

The comments kept coming, by email, Facebook messages, comments within the article, and even in person meetings. Many told me that thanks to my article they realized they weren’t alone, they realized they weren’t the only ones going through a heart break, and that it was fine to  reach out for support. I also deeply appreciate the thank you notes from those who found the strategy of living moment to moment helpful.

Interestingly enough, others who have not read the article are also becoming even more vulnerable and open with me than they ever allowed themselves to be. The reality is that once you let go of your masks, and you become fully real with yourself first and foremost, and with others, people respond to you the same way.

How are you being real? Ask yourself the following questions:

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A few days ago I went to a family lunch and shared that I was looking into buying a bike. They mentioned that they had a bike they hadn’t used in years and they showed it to me. It’s a beautiful vintage bike as you can see from the above photo, and I’m so grateful they offered it to me. It’s a man’s bike and it’s kind of too tall for me, though. They suggested I gave it a try, since no one was using it. After work yesterday I stopped by to pick it up and to ride it back home. I checked my friend’s site www.ridethecity.com, to get the safest route in Brooklyn, and I followed it.

Before I tell you how the journey went, let me share my own journey with riding bicycles. I did ride as a child and a little bit as a teenager, but maybe over twenty years had passed until I tried again. I was at a friend’s beach house in Rhode Island a few years ago, and her granddaughter wanted to ride her bike and she invited me to go with her. When I got on the bike, fear took over, and I told her I couldn’t do it. She said, “tell yourself: Yes, I can, Yes, I can, Yes, I can.” She was seven years old at the time. She also gave me some great tips, I honestly didn’t remember how to get started and I’m still using her tips to this day. I loved it! So, every year since, I have made a point to rent a bike with a friend, at least once, and ride it either at Central Park or by the Riverside Park. Every time, I walked the bike through traffic and then rode it where I felt it was safe.

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Last month I moved to a new place. Here is my journey and the steps I took and recommend you take when handling life changing experiences of any kind.

First, there was the certainty that it was time to move from where I had lived for the past eight years. The move was actually about two years or so passed due. But I procrastinated. I made excuses. I stayed. To be honest, I don’t care for moving.

Second, it was hard to find the new place. I wrote a list of requirements I really wanted or would like to have. I wrote a vision of my life at this new place. It was overwhelming when one of the first places I saw had nothing at all to do with my list; it was pretty much the opposite of what I wanted. I realized now that it was a set up, so that I would keep looking and know for sure when I found the one. I share this, so that if it happens to you, and you are tested by attracting the opposite of what you imagined, simply say no, walk away, and go back to the drawing board.

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