During this time of intense emotions and animosity towards one another, it might make a difference to take some time to empathize and to consider guessing the stories/drivers behind someone’s attitudes and behaviors. Here are two examples of how I have done it using the "Maybe Game".
On a narrow one-lane road, driving to the ferry to head back to Seattle after a weekend away, we encountered a car that was not moving fast enough. I noticed they were moving close to the speed limit, and not at the unwritten rule of driving 5 mph above the limit or faster. As my husband started to get annoyed about it, since he had a meeting to go to back in Seattle and we couldn’t miss the ferry, I decided to distract him by coming up with reasons why the car in front of us kept that speed:
- Maybe the last time they drove here, they got a ticket.
- Maybe they have a five-layer wedding cake in the trunk, and going above the speed limit could be catastrophic.
- Maybe the GPS is not working and they are unsure when to turn to reach their destination.
- Maybe their daughter is returning to college after spring break, and they want the journey back to take as long as possible. [I couldn’t tell how many people were in the car.]
- Maybe if the drive to their in-laws takes longer, they won’t have to endure discomfort for too long.
- Maybe this is their first time driving on this road, and they don’t feel comfortable going above the speed limit.
- Maybe if we go any faster, an accident could happen.
- And a friend’s suggestion – Maybe they have a newborn in the backseat and want to drive as safely as possible.
By the time I finished making up stories, trying to empathize with the driver in front of us, and minimizing the brewing road rage, they got off the road and we could drive at the preferred pace.
Recently, it was my turn to feel irritated. We were walking in our neighborhood in mid-September, and I noticed a house with many Halloween decorations already. I complained to my husband that it was too soon for it, my anger was tangible. A few steps down the street I realized I was annoyed because of the reminder that the year would soon end—I felt like I had not yet accomplished much in 2024.
The family placing the decorations too early for my taste had nothing to do with how I felt. I opted to empathize with the owners/residents, as an apology for my out-loud expression of annoyance and started making up stories:
- Maybe they signed up for a decoration contest and the deadline is at the end of September.
- Maybe it is a family activity they enjoy doing together and the sooner they start, the more connected to each other they feel.
- Maybe Halloween is their favorite holiday and they would rather enjoy the fun sooner than later.
I couldn't think of any other reason, but considering their motivation made me feel much better. The following weekend, we passed by, and lo and behold, they were working on it as a family—two generations deciding where to place one of the Halloween decorations.
A week later, in front of the house, there was a sidewalk sign: Find Agatha before she finds you. I did not find her that first time, but the next day I found her—phew! A few days later, I tried to spot her at the same place, but couldn’t, which worried me. Could she find me this time? The next day, I found her at another tree, what a relief! Since then, I noticed that they move Agatha often, and my needs for curiosity and adventure are met by the suspense of where she would be. I guess the family’s intention included not only having moments of joy within their family but also entertaining their neighbors and community. How can one be angry about it?
If you feel rage brewing inside, when interacting with others or witnessing something from afar, would it make sense to pause and investigate its source within before reacting? Next time you experience an irritation, try to play the Maybe game and see how it feels. Yes, sometimes the driver in front of you is driving slowly on purpose to cause uncomfortable feelings, but more often than not that’s not the case.
Feel free to post a comment and share an experience of when you used Maybe and shifted your experience.
Happy Maybes.
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