Get over it already! Or maybe not.

Have you ever heard someone tell you: Get over it already!? Have you ever told yourself that?

In this article, I’m going to share what happened to me last year, and give you some steps to take to “get over” a trauma, or better yet, to move through it.

A year ago today, a relationship I was involved in ended abruptly. There was no real communication, no explanation provided, only it’s over, goodbye. No calls or emails afterwards. My heart was hardened – that night I couldn’t sleep, eat, probably not even feel, as I was so numb and in shock. I remember what was said, or not said, I remember exactly whom I called afterwards, and why. I remember calling Expedia and trying to cancel the ticket I had purchased to travel with him. I remember crying on the phone with customer service, begging to cancel the ticket, only to learn it was non-refundable and non-transferable.

I also remember going on that trip alone; I had after all purchased a very expensive ticket. I remember having the support from a friend who answered the text I sent him from the airport, and he sent me loving messages in return as I cried waiting to board the plane. On the plane, I made the decision to enjoy that trip, and so I did. I was, after all, in Scotland! for the first time ever. (This photo was taking in Edinburgh - I thought the article could use a little lightness from Yoda.)

He never answered my calls or emails afterwards. It didn’t take too long for me to start deleting his messages, his emails, and our photos.  It did take a while to get over the triggers, since we mostly had dated in my neighborhood.  It also took a while to finish donating every gift he ever gave me, but I eventually did it.

Over time, I “collected” or made up reasons for the ending, probably I had at some point a list from A to Z, although I don’t think about it anymore. I also collected explanations from friends, from psychics, healers, and shamans. They all had similar explanations, mostly – it’s not about you. I also allowed myself to feel every feeling that came up, to go within and to learn all the lessons this experience brought up.

A few months ago, we ran into each other and he treated me as if nothing had happened, I was shocked. I decided to contact him one more time, a few weeks later, and ask for an explanation. Intuitively I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get an answer, but I thought it was a good way for me to feel empowered, so I did send him a message. He responded, but still didn’t say anything meaningful.

When I told a friend that I had contacted him, and what he wrote back, she said: “It’s time to get over it!” and I answered “I agree.” But really, what I meant to say was “Gee, why didn’t I think of that?” I probably told myself many times that it was time to get over it – it never helped, though. In any case, get over what, exactly? Him? Check. The pain? Check. The feeling of not good enough? Check. The deep sadness? Check. The anger? Check. The mourning of what could have been? Check. The need to know the other person’s truth? Working on it… ; )

I have learned since September 8^th 2012 at around 5pm that all we can do; especially during a life crisis, be it a heart break, a business failure, a disease, or any heart shattering event; is to live moment to moment to moment. That’s all I could do that day and the next and many days that followed.

The next time someone tells you to get over something or even you tell yourself to get over something already, take these steps instead:

• Reflect – take time to go within and see what else is there to release, to let go, to feel, to transform.
• Don’t judge – give yourself permission to be where you are at, healing takes as long or as little as it takes.
• Acknowledge your progress – look back and acknowledge how much you have changed and grown since the “event” happened in your life, and give yourself a break for all that still needs releasing.
• Feel your feelings – allow yourself to go deep within and feel the feelings you tend to avoid. This will help them move through you and be transformed into something else.
• Live moment to moment – forget about what you need to get done next week, tomorrow, an hour from now, be in this moment, live in this moment, feel in this moment, and do the same when the next moment comes.
• Ask for help – reach out to a friend or a coach who can simply listen to you and offer support, without pressuring you to be where you don’t feel like being just yet.
• Forgive yourself – of anything you blame yourself for.
• Forgive – for your own sake.
• Find gratitude – what can you be grateful for within this experience? Make a list and remind yourself of it often.

All these strategies make life so much easier and less daunting. Since that day a year ago, I went back to daily practices of self-love, self-nurturing, self-discovery, and self-acceptance. And instead of getting over it, I allowed myself to move through it. I’m enjoying each and every moment of my life, and I’m grateful every time the thought of what it was comes back to me.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to get over someone or something that happened to you. Remember to live moment to moment to moment instead. It is much more manageable and freeing. You will also soon realize that you are releasing, letting go and growing stronger with each step you take.

Love to you,

Elisa

PS. I have been working on a fiction story in which the heroine goes on a journey to mend her broken heart, and it will be published on Kindle soon.